Christmas Pageant
by You-Can't-Catch-Me
Summary: When the annual Christmas pageant is being performed by Victor and Victoria's class, what hilarity will ensue?
1. Friday Before Christmas Break

**So, I just watched a movie. Yes, you may yawn. In this movie, there was a hilarious scene where a church Christmas pageant goes entirely wrong. I guess you can say that was my inspiration. So, R&R!**

_December 1884_

"Class," Miss Payne said quietly, rapping her ruler on her desk. Some of the students in the front noticed, but continued to talk with their friends. Miss Payne was new as a teacher, and trying to control boisterous adolescents was not as easy as she had expected. But, Pastor Galswells was in charge, and _he _gave her the job. She tried to quiet down the class again.

"_Sixth grade!_"

She had been louder than she thought she would be. The class was quiet. All of the eleven and twelve-year-olds stared at the front of the room.

"Good morning, class," Miss Payne greeted.

"Good morning, Miss Payne," responded the class.

The teacher scanned the faces of the class. No absentees. All eyes were on her. Well, almost. But that would have to do for now.

"Now, boys and girls," she said calmly. "I know it's Friday-"

"_Whoooo!_" cheered the girls.

Miss Payne sighed. "And Christmas break is starting-"

"_Woooohoooo!_" cheered the boys.

Miss Payne rapped her ruler on her desk. "That's _quite _enough," she scolded. "So, the point is, you still need to pay attention."

"Yes, Miss Payne," the class responded.

At this point, all of the children were paying attention. That is, except for one: a dark-haired, dark-eyed, shy boy. He was quite tall for his age, and very thin. At this point, he was focused on drawing. He was very smart, but afraid of many things, including his teacher.

"Victor Van Dort!"

Victor looked up, and saw that his teacher was standing in front of him. She snatched up his drawing.

"Butterflies? Again, Victor?" she asked, examining the drawing. Some girls began to giggle.

"Yes'm," Victor replied timidly, looking down at his shoes.

"If I catch you drawing in class again," Miss Payne said. "I'll have to tell your parents." She leaned close to him. "You don't want that, do you?"

"No, ma'am," Victor responded.

"Good," she said. She went up to the blackboard, which was right behind her desk. She began to write something, when…

"_Fish head!_"

"Hey!"

The teacher whirled around. Victor had been hit by a paper ball.

"Who threw that?" Miss Payne demanded.

"It was him!" Victor cried, pointing wildly at Bruce, Miss Payne's nephew.

"Bruce, did you throw that at Victor?" she asked.

"No, Auntie Margaret," Bruce said sweetly. "I promise."

"He _did!_" accused Victor, standing up. "I swear he did!"

"Master Van Dort, you are asking to be paddled!" scolded Miss Payne. Victor was silent. Bruce smirked at him.

Miss Payne went back to the blackboard. In perfect script, she wrote, _Christmas Pageant Tryouts._

"Now," she asked. "How many of you go to Sunday School?" Everyone raised their hand. Sixth grade was the oldest class that could go to Sunday School.

"As you know," Miss Payne continued. "There is a performance every year on Christmas Eve."

"Me brother was in it!" blurted out a boy named Harry Kelly.

"Please don't speak out of turn, Harold," sighed Miss Payne. She continued, "So, many of you may know, sixth grade is when the major roles get cast."

_This is true, _thought a girl. She was the only daughter of the town's only Lord and Lady. She was incredibly shy, and barely spoke. She was quite pretty, and was often a victim of jealous teasing from the other girls. Her name was Victoria Everglot. Somebody else, however, seemed to have read her current thoughts.

"That's right," announced a chubby girl named Marianne Thompson. "The little kids only get to play angels or shepherds or doves."

"Only some lucky tot gets to play that baby," added Emma Darcy.

"_Jesus,_" corrected Miss Payne.

"Ha!" laughed Emma. "_I _made _you _take the Lord's name in vain!"

The class responded with a roar of laughter. Even shy Victor and Victoria had a giggle at the teacher's expense.

Victoria, who was in the front row on the far right side, looked at Victor, who was in the back row on the far left side. The made eye contact, and quickly looked away. There seats had been closer together at the beginning of the year, but they had been moved. They had been moved as far apart as possible after everything changed.

_The engagement, _both Victor and Victoria thought as soon as their eyes met. Both Victor's parents and Victoria's had arranged for the two to be married, as soon as they were eighteen. The news spread about town like wildfire, and soon enough, it had reached Pastor Galswells and Miss Payne. The two had been brought to Pastor Galwells, who said they must be moved. "To avoid any _incidents,_" he had put it.

"That's _enough!_" shouted Miss Payne. "Emma, I will speak to your parents. Now, let's just get along with our lessons."

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That day, at recess Victor started a new drawing. Since it was winter, there weren't any butterflies to draw. He tried to draw one from memory, but he messed up on one of the wing details. Frustrated, he crumpled it, and threw it at the ground. He placed his chin in his hands and frowned.

Suddenly, a slim, pale hand picked up the crumpled wad. A girl was standing in front of him.

"I saw your drawing today in class," she said. "The one the teacher took away. I thought it was beautiful, Victor. I can't imagine this one would be any worse."

Victor gasped. It was Victoria!

"Hmm," Victor replied.

"You play the piano as well, don't you?" Victoria asked. Victor said nothing.

"Why aren't you talking to me?" she questioned.

"I'm not supposed to talk to you," he mumbled.

Victoria sat down next to him. "I won't tell," she said. "If you won't."

"I suppose it wouldn't do much harm," Victor said. "Considering that in several years, we're going to be mm…to be…mmm…" He began to twist his ascot, as he usually did when he was nervous. He couldn't get the word out of his mouth.

"Married," finished Victoria. She frowned in his direction. "You don't need to kill yourself."

"No, I don't," Victor muttered. "I mean, I probably shouldn't." _What are you saying? _He thought.

"I was just wondering," Victoria said quietly. "When we're…married, how many children would you like to have?"

"_What!_" yelped Victor. He jumped up, and landed about two more feet away from Victoria. He had recently learned, shortly after he was told of the arranged marriage, the correct answer to the question, "Where do babies come from?", and he thought the case might have been similar for Victoria. Needless to say, he was still traumatized from the truth about "S-E-X".

"I was only wondering," Victoria said meekly. She was wearing a golden brooch on her chest, Victor noticed, in the shape of a butterfly.

"Master Van Dort!"

Victor turned away from Victoria, and saw one of the people he was most afraid of: Pastor Galswells.

"Oh!" Victor cried in despair.

"Come with me," he demanded in his low voice.

"Yes sir," Victor said quietly, and walked off with the angered clergyman.

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Victor was angry as he walked home from school. He had been paddled all because of a silly misunderstanding. He decided he would _not _talk to Victoria. Or, at least, not until their wedding rehearsal. But that wasn't for years.

When he reached home, his faithful old dog, Scraps, ran out to greet him.

"_Victor!_" came a screech from the parlor. _Mother, _he thought.

His mother did sound angry, but then again, when it came to Victor, she always did.

"Victor, we know you're there," came the rather nasal voice of his father. "Please come in the parlor."

"Comb your hair, first!" his mother demanded.

Victor looked at Scraps in frustration. _Why did you have to give it away? _He thought to his companion. He didn't bother with his hair. It always annoyed his mother.

He made his way into the parlor, and sat in his favorite armchair.

"Victor, it has come to our attention that you got in trouble at school," his father explained. Victor groaned, and sank deeper into his chair.

"First, according to the teacher, you told a lie about her nephew, Bruce."

Victor suddenly sat up. "I didn't lie! He threw a paper ball at me and called me a fish head!" His parents seemingly didn't hear him.

"And then, you caused a scandalous embarrassment to our family!" accused Victor's mother.

"Pastor Galwells told us what you did," Victor's father said. "But we want _you_ to tell us."

"I was just looking at her brooch-"

"That's not how the Pastor told us it happened!" interrupted Victor's mother.

"Pastor Galswells described it as 'sticking' your face into Miss Everglot's bosom."

"I thought he said, 'goggling at' her breasts!" contradicted Victor's mother. Victor's face had turned from a flush to a deep scarlet.

"Son, I thought we talked about those kinds of 'adolescent urges'," said Victor's father. "Do we need to talk again?"

"_No!_" Victor cried. He jumped up from his chair, and ran away, into his room.

"Boys," muttered Victor's mother.

"_Adolescent _boys," sighed Victor's father.

**End of chapter one! It gets better. Please review!**


	2. The First Sunday

**Yes! Chapter 2 already! This is gonna get much better.**

"This is so humiliating!" moaned Mrs. Van Dort as they neared the entrance to the church.

"It'll be fine dear," Mr. Van Dort reassured his wife. He looked down at Victor. "Won't it, son?"

"Yes, Father," Victor mumbled. The news of his "bad behavior" had spread about town like wildfire. Young Victor left a trail of murmurs wherever he went. At church, everyone would be gathered together, and everyone would be talking. Victor shuddered at the very idea.

"Now, hurry along with your friends," Mr. Van Dort said to his son. Victor began to hurry off to Sunday school, but groaned inwardly as he did. "Friends" would not be a correct terminology for Victor's peers. If anything, they all _bullied_ him.

"Oh, wait," Mr. Van Dort held his son's arm. "Make sure to get a good part in the pageant." He winked at Victor, and he nodded. Mr. Van Dort released Victor's arm, and he ran off

He went behind the church to the schoolhouse, where Sunday school was held. All of the kids were talking. Victor sat at his usual seat. Meanwhile, Victoria was trying to sit quietly, but the other girls were teasing, as usual. They always did this before the teacher arrived. She always tried to ignore it.

Miss Payne arrived, and the class didn't bother to quiet down.

"Children," she pleaded. "I'd appreciate it if you would _please _be quiet." A few kids in the front acknowledged her, but overall, the class stayed at the same volume.

"Class, we have work to do," she said more loudly, rapping her ruler on her desk. The children stayed at the same noise level.

"_Shut up!_" she tried. The class obeyed. Then, a little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Charlotte?" Miss Payne asked.

"I'm telling my mummy you used mean words," Charlotte announced. A few of the older kids snickered, and the younger kids pointed at Miss Payne and said, "Ooooh!"

"That's enough!" Miss Payne cried. "If we're going to cast this performance, you'd better be quiet! _All of you._" The class was silent, either from excitement or fear.

The frightened ones included Victor and Victoria. Victor, even when he played an angel in first grade, thought he was going to faint when they had to sing, "Silent Night". And what would Lady Everglot think if her daughter got cast as a speaking role? She always discouraged music and drama in young ladies.

"Now, let's start casting," Miss Payne announced. She looked at a list. "Kindergarten and first grade, you will all either be animals or angels, so no point in discussing that. So, we need innkeepers. We need four, to be exact." Four hands went up. There were two second graders and two fifth graders.

"All right," Miss Payne muttered, scribbling in her cast list. "When I call your name, sit down. Peter, Michael…" The two fifth graders sat down. "…Michael, David. Good."

"My name is Mickey," the younger Michael said.

"And I'm Davy," said David.

"We will use our christened names, gentlemen," Miss Payne warned. The two little boys scowled, and sat down. Victor couldn't help but smile.

"We'll need an angel," Miss Payne said, glancing at her list.

"But you already cast the angels!" blurted out a kindergartener.

"We need the _special_ angel," explained Miss Payne. "The one that announces the birth of the baby Jesus." A sixth grader, Emma, raised her hand, and Miss Payne marked her down.

"Let's see…ah, yes," Miss Payne said, looking at her list. "Three wise men?" Two boys from Victor's class raised their hands, and Miss Payne marked them down. "We still need one more."

Victor pondered. _It doesn't sound too demanding, _he thought. _And it seems enough to please my father._ So Victor raised his hand, and Miss Payne marked his name down.

This went on for some time, and almost all of the roles had been cast. There were only two left…

"Now, for Mary and Joseph," Miss Payne said. Bruce Payne raised his hand.

"I'll be Joseph, Auntie," he replied in his sweetest voice. Miss Payne marked him down.

"Now, the only role left is Mary," she said. Many sixth graders' hands went up. But Miss Payne wasn't looking at any of them. She was slowly making her way toward Victoria Everglot!

"Beautiful, holy Mary," Miss Payne continued. The other girls' hands stretched up higher. By now, she was all the way to Victoria's desk. "How about you, Victoria?"

_Stop it, _Victoria thought fiercely. _Stop teasing me!_

"Please answer, Miss Victoria," Miss Payne demanded. Victoria _knew _there was no way out of this.

"Yes, ma'am," Victoria said, barely audibly. "Yes, I would."

"Perfect," Miss Payne said with a sly smile. She marked down Victoria's name. Victoria felt a pit in her stomach. She felt the other girls glaring at her. And, she felt sickened as Bruce smiled at her.

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Victor couldn't help but feel sorry for Victoria as he walked to the front of the church. He tried to forget about it as he rode home with his parents in the stagecoach, and when he read in his room with Scraps at his feet. But, he just _couldn't._ There was nothing he could do.

And then, there was the problem of his line. He only had one line in the entire performance, and he couldn't remember it. He knew the line in his head, but couldn't get it out. He was saying it _over_ and_ over_ to Scraps, but he couldn't get it right.

"Greetings to you, Infant…no, wait, that isn't right!" he said. Scraps was sitting on the floor, looking incredibly bored.

"There's another word in there," he pondered, pacing the floor. "Ah, yes! I've got it!" He cleared his throat, and tried his line again.

"Greetings to you, Holy Infant," he tried again. "I bring you the gift of…of…" _What was it? _he thought. He cursed, and threw himself on his bed. Scraps barked.

"Everything going all right up there, Victor?" his father called from the parlor.

"Just fine," Victor replied.

"_No shouting!_" his mother shrieked.

Victor slid off the bed into a heap on the floor. He picked up a dirty sock, and threw it at his door. _I'll try again later, _he thought.

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Victoria sat in her room for the rest of the afternoon. She had more lines than she had expected. Occasionally, she would try to say one of her lines, but her mother, no matter how quiet she tried to be, always heard her and scolded her.

A knock sounded on the door.

"Dearie, may I come in?"

Victoria sighed. It was Hildegarde, the maid. Hildegarde had taken care of Victoria ever since she was a baby, and was still her very close friend.

"Yes, Hildegarde," Victoria replied. Hildegarde shuffled into the room in her usual way. She sat at the window seat next to Victoria.

"Are you ill?" she asked, looking Victoria up and down. "You haven't been out of your room all day."

"I'm fine," Victoria insisted. Hildegarde looked puzzled, but backed off. She quietly shuffled out of the room.

"I'm fine," Victoria told herself again, and she began to whisper her lines.

**The end of chappy two! Please review.**


	3. Monday Rehearsal

**Chapter Three. Viola. Nuff said. R&R.**

Rehearsal couldn't get any worse.

Of course, Miss Payne had no clue how to quiet a class, especially such a large one. Little kids playing angels had decided to alter lyrics to the Christmas hymns. Older girls threw things at each other and got into catfights over what part the other got. Boys of all ages had decided to play cricket with a broom and ink bottle. So, Pastor Galswells was brought in to shout at the children for a while. The class was _almost _perfect after that.

Victoria felt something bounce off her head. Some girls behind her began to giggle uncontrollably, so Victoria had decided to disregard that. She rolled her eyes, and looked back down at her script.

Meanwhile, Victor was having some memory issues. Miss Payne had an exasperated look on her face, and Victor, a frustrated one.

"Come, King Harold…"

"_Herod, _Victor," corrected Miss Payne with a heavy sigh. "The name of the King is _Herod._"

"I thought that baby Jesus was the King," blurted out Catherine Bell, a first grader.

"Jesus is the King of Kings," reminded Miss Payne. "Herod was the king who wanted baby Jesus killed."

"I thought those Roman sonsa itches killed Jesus," piped up Jane Bell, Catherine's twin sister.

"Roman _whats?_" asked Miss Payne.

"Sonsa itches," repeated Jane. "My brother said that's what they were." The class suddenly realized what Jane meant, and they were all pointing and laughing at Charlie, Catherine and Jane's brother.

"Nevermind," Miss Payne sighed. "Let's hear our angels sing. How about, 'Joy to the World'?"

The kindergarteners huddled around, whispered for some time, giggled, and looked up to sing.

"_Joy to the World!_

_Miss Payne is dead!_"

The class had begun to laugh. Victor and Victoria, felt a little sorry for Miss Payne, but the little mischievous ones were _always _funny.

"_We severed off her head!_

_Forget about the body_

_We kicked it in the potty_

_And round and round it goes,_

_And round and round it goes,_

_And rou-ound and rou-ound and round it goes!_"

At this point, Miss Payne had left. They kids that weren't crying from laughing so hard, or accidentally soiled their britches, were interrogating the little kids.

"You've _seen _a flush toilet?"

"Does it really go round and round?"

"It sure does!"

Older kids were now making up verses, and now, most of the class had erupted into:

"_Joy to the World!_

_A few weeks later_

_We found it in the sewer!_

_We found it in the sewer_

_All covered in manure_

_And everyone was glad,_

_And everyone was glad,_

_And ev-ery ev'ry, everyone was GLAD!_

Except her mum!"

Victor and Victoria were the only ones who hadn't joined the uproar. Victoria wasn't shouting, because her mother said it was impolite. Victor, however, was terrified from the level of noise filling the room, and _wished _that singing and screaming were not one and the same to the class.

Miss Payne came back into the room. She was trembling with anger and frustration.

"Children," she said, showing obvious contempt in her voice. "I want you _all _to be good from this point on, or I will make sure you _all _get a thrashing from your parents. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Miss Payne," mumbled the class.

"Good," she replied, restoring her semi-cheerfulness to its full measure. "Let's rehearse the manger scene."

"What's a manger?" asked Mickey. Miss Payne didn't bother to answer.

"A manger," Victor whispered in reply. "Is a trough or open box in which feed for livestock is placed."

"So they were going to _feed _the baby Jesus to the animals!" Mickey squealed. "That's disgusting!"

"What was that, Michael?" Miss Payne asked, craning her neck to see.

"Er…nothing," he replied. "I…just want to rehearse, that's all."

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"Do you have room for us?" Bruce recited to Davy. "My wife is expecting a child very soon." Victoria cringed at the thought of being _anyone's_ wife, let alone Bruce Payne's.

"No, we have no room for you," Davy recited back, unenthusiastically. He looked over at Miss Payne with a pout. "Why can't I let them in? It's the right thing to do."

"Because," Miss Payne replied. "That's how the story goes."

"Well, how come _Mickey _gets to let them in?" whined Davy.

"Mickey doesn't let them in!" snapped Miss Payne. "Speaking of which, Mickey, it's almost your line."

"Do you have room for us?" Bruce asked again, this time, to Mickey. "My wife will soon have a child."

Mickey posed, in a way that reminded Victor of a production of Hamlet he once saw in London. The little boy made his voice loud and powerful.

"There is no room at the inn!" he recited in his theatrical, booming voice. "However, there _is _a stable out back, where I shall let you stay overnight." The younger kids clapped and hooted. The older kids did that, or laughed. Mickey bowed grandly.

"Please don't do that, Mickey," replied Miss Payne. "You are _not _the star of the show. Carry on, please."

Soon, Victor had to say his line. Although he was just sitting in his chair, he was already imagining himself in full costume, in front of everyone. And he already felt like a fool. He tried to be brave like Mickey, but only ended up humiliating himself even more.

"Greetings to you, Holy Infant," he began, projecting as best he could. "I bring you the gift of Frankenstein." The entire class laughed, and Victor felt his face turn bright red.

"_Frankincense!_" she cried, throwing up her hands. "The word is _frankincense!_"

"Sorry!" Victor cried. And he honestly meant it.

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After the rehearsal, Victor had bungled every bit of the rehearsal that he could. He had tried to get up from his desk, but Miss Payne stopped him.

"Don't move," Miss Payne said coldly. Victor obeyed, and Miss Payne went off. Victor sat, waiting, until finally, Pastor Galswells appeared before Victor.

"Oh!" he cried as Pastor Galswells drew nearer.

"Don't give me that!" shouted the Pastor. "The teacher told me what you did! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

He marched over to Victor. "You changed words around! You caused disruptions! You tripped over _paper, _for heaven's sake! You attract trouble wherever you go!"

"I'm sorry!" Victor cried. "I didn't mean to!"

"The point is that you _did!_" yelled Pastor Galswells right back at him. "This performance cannot take place until you have properly prepared!"

Then Pastor Galswells did something that Victor would remember years later. He looked the boy straight in the eyes.

"Young man," he said in a low, threatening tone. "Learn…your…lines."

And at that, Victor gave a little yelp, and darted out the door like a bullet.

**I have finished Chapter 3. Please review.**


	4. Costumes

**Now for Chapter four! I am sorry for the delay, but hey, it's ITBS week. R&R, people!**

"I'm glad everyone is here today," Miss Payne announced. "Because today is a special time for our pageant!"

"Dramatic exercises?" tried Mickey.

"No," replied Miss Payne.

"Coping with stage fright?" tried Victor.

"Making up songs?" piped up a kindergartener.

"Getting the broom handle out of your as-?" tried one of Victor's classmates.

"_No!_" interrupted Miss Payne. "No! None of those!"

Marianne raised her hand.

"What do you want, Miss Thompson?" growled Miss Payne.

"I know!" she cried. "We get costumes!"

"Thank God," sighed Miss Payne. "Yes, Marianne. _Costumes._" Half the class cheered, while the other half muttered their curses.

"I want sparkles!" piped up Catherine Bell.

"I hate sparkles," replied Charlie Bell.

"I hate you," replied another voice.

"I want armor!" demanded Harry Kelly.

"Be quiet!" demanded Miss Payne. "Catherine, cows do _not _get sparkly costumes. Charles, I don't care about your opinion of sparkles. And, Harold, you are a _wise man, _not a knight! We are getting costumes taken care of _today!_" The class was silent, except for a few giggles here and there. Miss Payne left the room to get the costume lady.

Victoria was mortified, and she sat there, blushing. She hadn't thought about wearing a costume today. Her dress, with its many shiny buttons, had taken at least an hour to put on, her lacy underthings, an hour, and her troublesome corset, two hours.

"What's the matter, your Ladyship?" Marianne asked mockingly. "Don't wanna wrinkle your dress?"

"I bet she's wearing lace petticoats," added Emma.

"So what if I am?" Victoria replied defensively, although she could feel herself blushing.

"I'll check," Bruce responded, hearing the girls' teasing.

Victor had also heard the noise, and he felt bad for Victoria. She was so shy, and she probably didn't like people mentioning what might be under her dress. But he was shy as well, and didn't know what to do. He had often read about chivalry, but had never planned on doing chivalrous acts himself! As he saw Victoria about to kick Bruce in the face, he stood up, and strode over to the scene.

"Stop that!" he cried, surprising himself with how loud he was.

"Look!" whispered some younger kids.

"Hey, loverboy!" taunted Bruce. "What's the matter? Don't like me talking to your lady?"

"It's an arranged marriage," Victoria stated. "There's no romance involved."

"I just don't care for harassment," added Victor.

Miss Payne returned to the room just in time, but with another woman. The children didn't recognize her, but assumed she was the costume lady.

"Class," Miss Payne called. They quieted right away, staring at the unfamiliar woman before them.

"Thank you," Miss Payne said gratefully. "This is Mrs. Grant. She is in charge of costume fittings. Now, there are some old costumes from past years, but some new ones might have to be made." She glanced at every student's physical build, from Marianne's chubby body, to Victor's lanky one.

Mrs. Grant took the floor. She looked at each child, but more carefully than Miss Payne did.

"Ah, yes," she replied. "Some new costumes may be in order. My, my! What an assorted group!" She turned back to Miss Payne. "I'll take the kindergarteners first."

The kindergarteners lined up, and followed Mrs. Grant. Miss Payne went to go supervise, and all the other kids were left unattended, which turned out to be very bad indeed.

"Do you think the costume lady will make us get _naked?_" asked Davy.

"Of course not!" replied Peter.

"That's good," Mickey said with a grin. "Because I forgot my combinations!"

"_Eww!_" shrieked the older girls and boys. The little kids just squealed and laughed.

"Just kidding," Mickey said with an even bigger grin.

"Not funny!" cried a third grader named Georgina.

"Do all babies come from God, like Jesus?" asked Jane.

"Ask your mum," muttered Michael.

"Ask Charlie!" shouted Catherine.

"Ask Victor Van Dort!" cried Bruce. The class erupted into laughter, and Victor turned bright red.

The next thing that happened made the group laugh even more. The kindergarteners glumly emerged from the back room, dressed like turtledoves, farm animals, and angels.

"Shut your faces!" shouted Kenny Kingston, a kindergartener. "Or I'll punch you all in the face so hard, you'll part your hair whenever you sneeze!" The result was a blast of laughter from the older kids.

"I'll take the first and second grade," Mrs. Grant said nervously, as if they would attack her. They ran to the back of the building, but more like a pack of llamas, as opposed to a group of young children.

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This went on for quite some time, and the older kids were growing quite bored. Finally, Mrs. Grant came out, and tiredly called for the oldest class.

The sixth graders trudged into the back, which was strewn with fabric, costume items, and a tape measure.

"Now, when I call your names, I want you to come forward," she stated. "Victoria Everglot."

Victoria nearly jumped out of her skin. She hadn't expected to be called first! She took several small steps forward.

"Hold out your arms," demanded Mrs. Grant. Victoria obeyed.

Mrs. Grant was soon measuring like mad, saying each number out loud. Each girl blushed upon hearing their waist and bust measurement, and each boy got a flush in their cheeks when their crotch measurement was announced.

After some time, everyone had gone back…everyone, that is, except for Victor.

"Your teacher tells me you are a troublemaker, and that you should be measured last," Mrs. Grant stated.

"I never mean to cause trouble!" Victor shouted, in one of his adolescent angers (which were becoming more frequent). "Why is everyone always accusing me?"

"Step forward, please," Mrs. Grant said, as if she hadn't heard Victor's outburst. As she measured, Victor could not help thinking angrily and irrationally.

_Next year, _he thought, _I'll be in seventh grade, and I'll be thirteen. I'll go to a boarding school for clumsy boys, where accusations and theater aren't allowed._

As Victor was leaving the class, he realized how silly he had been. Everyone was asking him questions.

"What took you so long?" asked Mickey. "Where did you go?"

"Hell," Victor replied, and he felt as if he weren't lying.

**Yes! I have updated. Please review. Why? Because it makes me happy. Seriously, it brightens my day.**


	5. Dress Rehearsal

**Okay, this is chapter five. I had to do some research, but this is exactly a week before Christmas, 1884. Therefore, a Wednesday. Enjoy.**

_Are all dress rehearsals this dreadful? _thought Miss Payne. The boys were continuing their ink-and-broom cricket game, and Charlie Bell was busy teaching the kindergarteners, "A-holes we have heard on high!"

"Quiet down this instant!" she ordered the class. "Or I'll…_jump out of the window!_" The class quieted, and watched intently.

"Why would you do a silly thing like that?" asked Victor. "The schoolroom is on the first floor!"

"Why did you wet the bed until you were ten?" Miss Payne asked mockingly. "The chamber pot is in the same room!" Victor turned bright scarlet. The class laughed, and for once, they laughed _with _Miss Payne, not at her.

"Nine," Victor muttered. "Wet the bed until I was _nine_."

Miss Payne took some odd, tottering steps to her desk. She sat down, and put her face on the wooden surface.

"You're drunk," observed Victor.

"No, I'm not!" Miss Payne objected. "I was drunk _yesterday._" Victor's classmates laughed and laughed. Even the little kids laughed, even though they didn't know what they were laughing at.

"My mother says that ladies don't go to pubs unaccompanied," said Emma.

"Miss Payne," Victoria said politely. "With all due respect…why are we here?" Miss Payne cocked her head, and looked at Victoria.

"Miss Victoria," she queried. "Have you not heard of a dress rehearsal?"

"No, ma'am," Victoria replied, feeling a bit intrigued.

"A dress rehearsal," Miss Payne explained. "Is simply a rehearsal where the actors wear their costumes."

"Oh," Victoria said quietly. _So that's just what it is? _she thought. She felt silly for feeling so intrigued.

"So," Miss Payne announced. "Everyone, please pay attention. Boys will change here in the classroom, and I will help the girls in the back." She gestured to a rack of clothes. "As you can see, the costumes are already here. They are labeled, so _please_, don't put on someone else's costume. When you are finished changing, go to the church. That's all. Come along, ladies." She led the girls to the back, and left the boys to change.

"There are a lot of windows in here," commented Michael.

"Yeah," agreed Charlie. "A bunch of women could come by and watch us."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," scoffed Bruce. "Why would a bunch of women want to come and watch us change?"

"It could happen," said Mickey. "My mum says I'm handsome."

"Your mum is a liar," muttered Peter.

The boys all began squabbling, and Victor sighed. He never understood fisticuffs, or any kind of boyish bravado. He decided to change while they were all distracted. He looked through the rack of costumes, until he found a costume with a tag reading, "_V. W. V.D._" He took it off the rack, and put everything on. There was a crown, made entirely of tin, and a red robe that was made out of some cheap, itchy material. There were no shoes, so he just wore his own. Remembering what Miss Payne said, he left for the church.

The snow crunched beneath his feet, and a strong, winter wind blew his crown off several times. Off in the distance, he could see the cemetery, with a dead oak tree casting a dark shadow over it. And, what was that beneath the tree? Was it a _hand_?

_No, _he thought. _I'm imagining things. _Even so, he felt frightened, and ran for the church.

Once he was inside the old, stone building, he gasped. He had usually seen the church as a dark, gloomy place. But he saw immediately, that had changed. There were tall, bright candles, and he smiled at the Advent wreath's dripping ones. Three were lit: two violet ones, and one that was rose. There was one solitary purple candle that hadn't been lit, but next Sunday, Pastor Galswells would light it. He looked at all four. Three Sundays ago, the first purple one was tall, and now, it was very short. The second purple candle was also rather short, and the rose one was the tallest of the lit candles. The last purple candle, although unlit, looked tall and strong.

_Christmas, _Victor thought happily.

He looked around more, and saw more changes. There was a metal star over his head, and it looked very old. There was a small, wooden stable, and a tiny wooden box; a manger. It was the perfect size for a little baby. Victor thought back through all the years, and couldn't remember himself ever being that tiny.

He heard a blast of noise at the door. It was Miss Payne and the girls. He realized where he was supposed to be, and darted to a pew as quickly as he could.

"Victor, where are the others?" demanded Miss Payne.

"Fighting," Victor replied. The teacher cursed under her breath, and hurried back to the school.

The girls all sat down in the pews behind Victor, while whispering and giggling.

"Victor looks handsome!" exclaimed Catherine. Victor felt his ears turn hot.

_It seems, _Victor thought. _That the only color my face is when I'm near other kids is any shade of red!_

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"Stop that!" Miss Payne cried out to a few kindergarten boys, who were hitting the star overhead with their shepherds' crooks. "The Star of Bethlehem is _not _a piñata!"

"Say, what?" asked Kenny.

"Never mind," sighed Miss Payne. Catherine and Jane were climbing on top of the stable. Victor had a nosebleed. Marianne was yanking at Victoria's petticoats. Everything was chaos.

"Bruce punched me in the nose!" sobbed Victor.

"Don't get it on your costume," muttered Miss Payne.

"Get off me!" shrieked Victoria, running away from Marianne as fast as she could.

Miss Payne couldn't and _wouldn't _take it anymore. She went up to the children, and shouted.

"_I'll kill all of you!_" she screamed. And the rehearsal went just perfectly after that.

**Chapter five! Review!**


	6. The Performance

**Chapter six! Now, the chapter we've all been waiting for…the one with the big performance in it! R&R, please. Harumph! As if! Nobody reads my stuff but my sister.**

It was the night before Christmas.

All of the boys were changing into their costumes in the back room. It was quite noisy. Victor had already changed into his costume, and was waiting for Miss Payne to come and lead the boys and girls both into the church.

The boys' changing room could have been mistaken for a ship, for talk in that room was so filthy that Victor covered his own ears. Even the little kindergarteners were joining in the "body parts" discussion.

_How they can be so rude_, Victor thought. _On a holy day of obligation is beyond me._

All the girls could hear the conversation, and were giggling uncontrollably. Victoria, however, just flushed from pink to red upon each obscenity.

"Quiet that vulgar talk!" yelled Miss Payne, as she helped a kindergartener.

"No!" shouted the boys.

"_Ooh_!" exclaimed Emma.

"Victoria, come over!" cried Marianne. "Come hear what the boys are saying!"

Victoria blushed, and fiddled with her veil.

"No, thank you," she said.

The girls giggled again.

"Fine, then," they said. And Victoria blushed even deeper.

Miss Payne finally led the group up the aisle, and mothers called out to their children.

"Mickey, you look darling!"

"Fasten your belt, Peter!"

"That's my Victor!"

"Catherine, quit poking your sister!"

"Victoria looks hideous."

The children smiled and waved to their parents, but Victoria did not.

_My parents are ashamed of me, _she thought. _They think I'm ugly. They only had me to carry on the family name. And I can't even do that. I'm only a girl. My children will all be Van Dorts._ She found that she had tears in her eyes.

Victor was smiling and waving nervously at the crowd. It was then that he realized how many people were in the church for Christmas Eve. He felt a flutter in his stomach, as if he had swallowed a butterfly. He tried to ignore it, but it only got worse as he smiled and waved at the townspeople sitting in the pews.

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The entire Mass went by, and the children were either getting giddy or noisy. Miss Payne had given up on this group long ago, and couldn't care less whether or not Pastor Galswells decided to lecture them. But he did not.

It was finally time for the group to perform. Props were set up, and Marianne and Victoria entered. Marianne seemed as cool as a cucumber, but Victoria was nervous enough to faint. Marianne went on and on, as most narrators did, until it was finally time for the real lines to begin. Unfortunately, Emma had decided improvisation upon the story was needed.

"Hail Mary!" she cried. "I'm Gabriel! I'm a _boy _angel! The Lord is with you!"

Victoria was stunned. Luckily, she remembered her line. "Wh-What kind of greeting are you bringing to me?" she recited shakily.

"I'm tellin' you!" Emma shouted. "That _you _are having a baby! They're gonna praise him and stuff!"

"How can that be?" Victoria asked.

"Because, I said so!" exclaimed Emma. "Your cousin Elizabeth- you know, the really old lady- she's pregnant! And, God is she old!"

Victoria was now trying to suppress laughter, but she managed to say her line. The audience applauded, and Victoria exited the stage. And she found that she was smiling.

_I think I like the theater,_ she thought.

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The play progressed, and Victor's part was very near. His fluttery stomach would not return to normal, and his lines were slipping away from him. He could hear the kindergarteners outside, saying "moo" or "baa". The other group of kindergarteners was just making their entrance, and beginning to sing. But, instead of being good, they began to sing their parody of, "Joy to the World!". Miss Payne stomped her foot in frustration, and the older kids backstage began to laugh, and some even joined in. The audience gasped in surprise.

Soon, Victor was being urged onto the stage.

"Go on!" hissed Miss Payne, giving Victor a shove. "You'll miss your entrance!"

"Greetings to you, Holy Infant," Freddie Thomas said. "I bring you the gift of gold." He set a bundle down by the pretend manger with the howling baby in it.

Victor was terrified. He could feel the eyes of the audience piercing every inch of his body. He cleared his throat, and tried to say his line.

"G-G-Greetings to you, H-Holy Infant," he stuttered. He could feel himself breaking out in a cold sweat. "I-I…" he trailed off.

"_I bring you the gift of gold!_" Miss Payne whispered fiercely.

"I-I…" Victor continued to stutter. He looked out at the crowd. He could see all the eyes… staring right at him. He recognized everyone in the audience. His parents were there, as were the Everglots… everyone in the entire town was in that church.

"I-I…" Victor tried, but his stomach couldn't take it anymore. He dropped the pretend frankincense, and cried out, "_I'm going to be sick!_" He ran to the back room, and the audience gasped. Miss Payne ran onstage.

"I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen," she said. "We're having some… difficulties."

"Oh, confound it!" Mrs. Van Dort shouted from the audience. She was trying hard to exit the pew, but her fat rear was slowing her down. At that point, Victor had reached the back room.

"Don't get sick on _me!_" cried Mickey, but at that point, he was already outside.

The cool winter breeze rushed over Victor's face, and he felt relaxed. His stomach stopped churning, and his heart stopped palpitating. Why was he so nervous in the first place? He stared off into the distance, and forgot about everything.

_I can do this, _he thought. And he went back inside.

"What were you _doing?_" Miss Payne demanded. "The Bell twins are _dancing_ onstage to entertain the audience!"

"Sorry," muttered Victor. Miss Payne gestured to all the children backstage, and they returned to their places.

"Greetings to you, Holy Infant," Victor said to the screaming baby. "I bring you the gift of frankincense." He set down the pretend frankincense. And at that moment, Victor felt that the play would go just fine.

As the shepherds arrived, the kindergarteners began to sing, "Silent Night". But they sang it all wrong, and the audience gasped as they sang:

"_Evil Miss Payne_

_Ugly Miss Payne!_

_In the sun,_

_In the rain!_

_Beats us so badly, we almost die._

_By the schoolhouse, you'll hear us all cry._

_You can hear us all wee-eep!_

_You can hear us all weep!_" Backstage, Miss Payne was cursing furiously.

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Victoria's knees were beginning to ache from kneeling. The baby in the manger screamed so loudly, she thought she would go deaf by the time the evening was over. She tried to distract herself from the pain and noise, but nothing seemed to work.

Suddenly, Victoria gave a high-pitched shriek. Her co-star, Bruce Payne, had grabbed her by the rear end. She blushed, but then grew angry. She stood up, dragging Bruce up with her.

"How _dare _you!" she cried, and she knocked Bruce over with an amazingly unladylike uppercut. The audience gasped. Lady Everglot stood up from the pew.

"Why, you-!" Marianne cried, but she never got to utter her insult, because Victoria had knocked her down as well. The entire cast had come on stage.

"Wicked!" exclaimed Mickey.

Bruce had gotten up, and mistakenly kicked Mike, thinking he was Victoria. Mike fell down, and slapped Bruce. Marianne had thought Emma was Victoria, and punched her in the stomach.

A complete fight had broken out on stage by this point. Bruce was now slapping Victoria, and Davy and Mickey were tumbling on the ground, and Catherine had decided Jane had stolen her hair ribbon, and Harry was fighting Peter. Victor ducked through flying objects, and rushed over to Bruce and Victoria.

"Hey!" he cried. "Find someone else to pick on!"

"Fine, then!" shouted Bruce. He punched Victor in the nose as hard as he could. Victor felt blood trickle down his face.

"_Mother!_" he shouted, trying hard not to cry. "_I'm bleeding!_"

Mothers were rushing onstage, getting their little darlings out of the fight. Fathers were rushing onstage threatening their children with beatings. Miss Payne had left, and was heading for the local pub at top speed.

The performance was ruined.


	7. The Day After

**Finally, the last chapter. R&R and all that jazz. And see if you can catch the running gag that was stolen from ASoUE.**

Miss Payne came into the classroom the day after Christmas. She opened the door to a room full of noisy children, which, of course, didn't make her feel any better.

The children usually continued their noise whenever Miss Payne entered the classroom, but this time, upon seeing her, they stopped throwing ink, pulling each other's hair, and fighting, just to quietly sit down in their seats.

"Good morning, children," sighed Miss Payne.

"Good morning, Miss Payne," the class replied obediently.

The teacher cocked her head, looking curiously at the group. _Never _had they been so good before.

_What on earth could they be up to? _Miss Payne wondered.

"Now," she said. "Regarding last night's performance-"

"It was so much fun!" cried Mickey.

"It was amazing!" shouted Catherine.

"I loved it!" yelled Emma.

"_Shut…up_," demanded Miss Payne. "That was _not_ what I was going to say!"

"I'll tell you what _I _think!" announced Bruce. "_I _think the performance was a disaster! And I'll tell you whose fault it was! It was-"

"Don't you start!" Miss Payne shouted, pointing a finger at her nephew. She glared at the class. "And we _do _know whose fault it was. Anyway, I hope your parents gave you all beatings you would never forget."

"My ass is still sore," muttered Davy. Miss Payne slammed her hand on her desk.

"David!" she shouted, but she didn't seem to have anything else to say.

Victor rubbed his sore nose, thankful for two things: the fact that his parents didn't punish him, and the fact that he couldn't see the large bruise on his face. He looked across the room at his classmates, and cringed upon seeing all the other black eyes and bruises. All this had started with him.

Meanwhile, Victoria was feeling no better. She, unlike all of the other children, did not have any injuries. Before Miss Payne had come in, the little children had been worshipping her, the boys in her class were teasing her, crying, "Don't hit me! Don't hit me!", and the girls had been giving her dirty glares. That is, everyone except Victor.

"I am very disappointed in all of you," Miss Payne said.

"I'm disappointed in my nose," said Victor.

"I'm disappointed in my temper," said Victoria.

"I'm disappointed in my Christmas presents," said a second grader.

"I'm disappointed in you," said a sixth grader.

"I'm disappointed in my breakfast."

"I'm disappointed in my bladder."

"I'm disappointed in my chair."

"I'm disappointed in my desk."

"I'm disappointed in my schooling."

"I'm disappointed in the book I'm reading."

"I'm disappointed in my religion."

"I'm disappointed in my mother!"

"That's _quite _enough!" shouted Miss Payne. "This is no time to be smart!"

"I'm naturally smart," muttered Mickey.

"_Why won't you children be quiet?_" Miss Payne cried in despair.

"I won't be quiet because I'm in pain," Victor replied.

"I won't be quiet because I'm upset," remarked Victoria.

"I won't be quiet because I don't like you."

"I won't be quiet because of my energy."

"I won't be quiet because I don't like being quiet."

"I won't be quiet because my stomach is upset."

"I won't be quiet because I have to use the bathroom."

"I won't be quiet because I'm too stupid."  
"I won't be quiet because I'm too smart."

"I won't be quiet because I'm hungry."

"I won't be quiet because I'm thirsty."

"I won't be quiet because of my mother!"

"Enough about your mother, Jerome!" demanded Miss Payne. "This is Children's Liturgy, not a place to discuss your feelings!"

"No, this is Sunday School," said Mickey.

"Shut up," said Marianne. "Nobody wants to listen to you."

"Nobody wants to listen to you, either," Miss Payne snapped. She sat back down at her desk.

"So we're supposed to listen to _you?_" Peter asked.

"_Yes,_" replied Miss Payne. "I'm the teacher. God, you children are difficult. Argh! Now I can't even remember what I was going to tell you!" The children saw an immediate chance to be obnoxious.

"Where babies come from?"

"That we're in trouble?"

"That you're getting married?"

"That you're an idiot?"

"That you love me?"

"That I smell funny?"

"That we all have something stuck in our teeth?"

"That Jesus loves me?"

"That you're really a man?"

"That you want a cookie?"

"That you're going to quit being a teacher and take up llama farming?"

"That you're my mother?"

"_I can't take it anymore_!" cried Miss Payne. She ran out of the room, possibly to tell Pastor Galswells how terrible the children were being.

Victor felt something bounce off his head. It was the usual: a paper ball. Normally, he would just sigh, drop it on the ground, and get on with his life, but today was different. He had endured a beating last night, and wouldn't take any more harassment. He stood up from his desk.

"Who threw that?" he demanded. Nobody moved. "Speak up, or I'll punch the lot of you!" He heard Bruce Payne laugh, and immediately didn't feel so strong. Bruce stood up from his desk, and walked up to face his opponent.

"Since when are you so aggressive?" he asked. He gave him a strong shove, and Victor immediately fell over backwards. Bruce laughed again, but harder this time.

Victor was at his boiling point. He looked at Bruce's ugly, laughing face, and then at his stunned class. He clenched his teeth, curled his hand into a fist, and punched Bruce as hard as he could. The class gasped, and ran over. Bruce blinked, and then looked at Victor angrily. With an inhuman roar, he punched Victor back. The fight was on.

Luckily, Miss Payne had come back into the room, so neither boy was injured. Unfortunately, she yelled at the class quite a bit.

"I'm even more disappointed in you children than I already was!" she exclaimed. "I leave the room for a few minutes, and you're all fighting again! Shame, shame, shame!" She sat down at her desk, and sighed. Suddenly, she looked up at the class with a devilish smile.

"However," she said. "I've just remembered what I was going to tell you." She folded her hands, and chuckled a bit. The children were a bit afraid.

_Has she gone mad_? Victoria wondered. She shifted in her chair, not liking the idea of being stuck in a small room with a madwoman.

"Wh-What is it?" she asked nervously. Miss Payne raised her eyebrow, and smiled again. She answered Victoria's question with another question:

"Have you ever heard of a Passion Play?"

**Sniff Alas, she is finished. The final chapter. No more of this story, but more of others! Review, please!**


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